Sometimes

This was written several years ago about an ex-girlfriend. I don't know if she ever read it, and if she did I'm not sure she knew it was about her. It's a little sappy.

The only other comment I can write for this is something that was written at the bottom of this song's page in my songbook... an intentional run on sentence that will kinda show you the state of mind i was in...

"if you hurt the way i hurt you wouldn't flirt with all the problems that i face today's the day to make my mark and say i couldn't do the things i do if it weren't for you saying i'm wrong and all along you knew i'd fail at it won't be long you treat me poorly but before you broke me you were kind and swore you loved me. but now your mind is so far away from me."

Sometimes

i could paint you a picture
in brilliant colors you've never seen
the kind that exist only in mind
but in time i'd realize
the only way you'd see your beauty
is if i gave you my eyes

i could write you a song
a melody only birds can know
lyrics with the rhythm of a waterfall
happiness brought to all who hear
but to feel the power in your voice
i'd have to give you my ears

i could make you a dress
made purely of silk and air
fit like water over every curve
but it seems the only chance
to feel the softness of your body
is if i gave you my hands

i could give you a perfume
the sweetest scents from across the land
excitement as you moved
it smelled like love every time you rose
maybe you could capture it for a moment
if i gave you my nose

i could draw you beside me
much closer than your mind right now
you'd dress me up and i'd play blindly
but i'm no costume, this moment not a work of art
it seems the only way you'd ever feel it
is if i gave you my heart.

S.O.S.

It's the end of the month, so I decided to throw a few songs out at once tonight.

S.O.S. is another angsty coffee shop era song. For those keeping track, there seems to be a theme through this part of my life. Anyway, not too much to say about it except this... it's not really a distress signal (save our ship) so much as it's a call to arms for people to do what it is they really want to do with their lives (save our selves).

S.O.S.

We began sinking sometime along the way
a Prozac Nation
20-somethings lost at sea, too scared to scream
for a savior. isolation.
we're drowning, whoa.

but we must
Save Our Selves

Never had a great war, our lives are our
Great Depression
treat water and hope our heroes notice
our great desperation
we're drowning, we're drowning
and our eyes are pleading
a silent S.O.S. that no one's reading
whoa

we must
Save Our Selves

go to work and smoke your greens
blow it all. we're meaningless
you brought us in to turn us down
but to these chains we'll not be bound
we're saving ourselves this time
we're saving ourselves this time
we're drowning, we're drowning, but this time...

Save Our Selves

Scarred/Sacred

This song began as three lines that I put on a page in my book.

I'm scared.

I'm scarred.

I'm sacred.

Scarred/Sacred

begin sifting through
the remains and ashes
of wars and crashes
of something tragic.
the problems remain unseen.

just keep thinking
for another hour.
a million thoughts undoubted,
the ashes getting shallower.
our hands remain unclean.

the fires burning
for another hour.
my burns a massacre,
i'm scarred but sacred.
my skin shall be revenged.

a burned photo album;
false happy faces
replaced with burned plastic places.
only violent traces of
what might have been.

let someone else
let someone else let go.
this is you.

a half eaten life
you left in a hurry.
feel something lurking
underneath the murky
clouds in the sky.

i never wanted this for you.
harness your anger and make your next move
would you let someone else let go?

all we are is what you made us
all we are is what you made us
all we are is what you made us
all we are is what you made us

Enter here

This one is more of a free form poem than a song... There are many songs that kinda follow this type of flow, though, so I had it in mind as the brooding opening to a CD.

I had someone read one of my songs, and he said he just didn't get it. He didn't understand what it meant. Many of my songs, particularly the coffee shop series, are pretty open ended. You're not supposed to know exactly what they mean. They mean whatever you want them to mean. Most of them are a little depressing, but I think there's a spark of hope in many of them. Hoping for something that is never going to happen, tho... that's kind of a drag. I've always really liked the line "false hope is a whore."

It means whatever you want it to mean.

Enter Here

the back way
the front gates
a secret hallway
a quiet day

the wrong in my thinking
the canyons in my mind
the holes in my story
the spaces in my lines

without knocking
when i'm unguarded
through my confusion
when i've been harmed

within insecurities
false hope is a whore
tickles my fancy
leave them wanting more

an exercise in supposed thinking
if i thought away, would you come along?
i think i'm pondering, in case you were wondering...
enter here.

Truth or Consequences photo

I actually did end up going through Truth or Consequences; however, it wasn't on my self-produced tour, but on my move to San Diego.

Better make up your mind quickly... only another 3/4 of a mile to go...

The Tempest

This is another moody coffee shop song. I use a line that has shown up in at least one other song... I think maybe even two. I like bands that tie their songs together that way. One of my favorite musicians Greg Dulli (the afghan whigs, the twilight singers, the gutter twins) does it fairly often.

I used to write the line on napkins at restaurants, bars, anywhere that had a paper towel to write it on... "somewhere scribbled on a napkin are words that can change the world." Not sure why I did it... maybe just hoping to inspire someone else.

I believe there is music for this floating around somewhere, but not on my computer. Hope to find it when I eventually go through all of my old tapes. One day that will happen...

The Tempest

i am anger
i am chic temptation
i am danger
i know no moderation

i am a mission
i am a missionary
i am the moment of darkness when you blink

i am the calm before the storm
i am the instant before the crash
the moments as the rain hits
the last thought into the wreck

for that moment, i seem an eternity
but after the fact, a frame of fantasy
my collection of images
...is a collection of bad ideas.

and somewhere scribbled on a napkin
are words that can change the world

really a raindrop of nothing
an insignificant wind
i may be danger
but all's well in the end

i am on a mission
a storm brewing inside me
and after me will be
a light that all the world can see

i shaped the thoughts before you
caught in a synapse in your mind
the world you want before your feet
your last thought into the wreck

come on now
sing the words that will change the world

Truth or Consequences

I wrote this with my friend Joe one night in college. I had always planned on taking a self-produced tour of the country with my acoustic guitar to play open mics, opening acts for local bands across the country, and basically anyone that would let me play in the cities I wanted to visit. I drew my tour route on a giant map that I kept in my room. Along my route was a city called Truth or Consequences, which I thought was the greatest name for a city EVER... outside of "Paradise."

Truth or Consequences

senselessly down the open road
staring thru my
rearviewmirror
thinking about the things
the things i left behind
forget the things i fear
nothing but an open road
forget the things i know
forget the normal
the relentless yellow line
ending never
reverse, remember
thoughts of my destination
speed my respiration
speed my breathing
another tank of gas or so
grab another pack of smokes
desire is seething

nothing but the music to make me smile
these lifelong friends will keep me alive

spring rain to summer heat
april to may
the warmth i will meet
ac's broke, windows down
even rain can't stop me now
the drops would be so sweet
my will is strong unlike the light
the radio and i will push thru the night
all of us, we are alone
but we come to the end
just another long strange trip
this time it feels like home
senselessly down the open road
come to terms with myself
heighten my senses
think you know yourself?
here's my ulta matem...
truth... or consequences?

nothing but the music to make me smile
these lifelong friends will keep me alive.

Driftin' Sands

This song is purely for my friends Matt and Adam. It is not good, it is more of an inside joke for my two captains. Nobody else will get it. I will not post the lyrics. I imagine anyone outside of the three of us will conjure several WTFs???? if you listen to it.

With that said, Driftin' Sands is a shack of a hotel in Nags Head, NC. Matt, Adam, and I decided to drive down to the beach town one night without having any real plans for a place to stay. When we got there, all the hotels were booked (or too expensive for our summer break budgets). We ended up in a half star hotel with a floor covered with boat carpet caked in sand, lawn furniture as our couches/beds, and appliances that didn't work. And it was STILL a rad weekend. It also references a massive shot glass. Here's my ode to Driftin' Sands and the lighthouse keeper.

Close Your Eyes [how we love to fall] - for audiophiles

Apparently it's a St. Patrick's Day post party.

Here's the mp3 for the longest titled song in my songbook.

And your lyrics for Close Your Eyes [how we love to fall]

Oh?

I was down. I felt like I was wasting myself. Here is the song.

Oh?

never been here before
out on my own
a missing persons
an outline on the floor
lost my direction
or rather it lost me
have to find a motivation
before this gets the best of me
what good is a gift
with no ambition?
time to make my big score
sometimes i'd do anything to be something more

all my life
decisions locked, uptight
now free reign
to do what i like
so many opportunities
but what for?
i don't want this
silver platter anymore
what good is this gift?
where is the meaning?
i fear i've locked that door
sometimes i'd do anything to be something more

out in the distance
i see the sun
and i wonder what it'd be like
just to be someone
i like where this is going
unsure and new
not sure if i'll make it
save friends, precious few
how to use this
finally, freedom
a light in the distance, a key in the door
i'm giving everything up to be something more

Radio

Despite the fact that I never put this song to music, I kinda like it.

The coffee shop where I spent most of my time was part of a Barnes and Noble. Whenever I had writer's block I would wander around B&N, pick up a magazine, a book of poetry, or a coffee table book and thumb through it until something struck a chord. This was partly inspired in that way. Although it doesn't read like it, the song was also inspired by a Radiohead song; hence, the gentle nod in their direction in the title and chorus.

Radio

Sun set
on the day with
phone lines
computer cables
don't, no, don't let them strangle
don't blame anybody

for today
is generated
by TV
somewhere in Holly-
would you sell yourself to
let you blame somebody?

Turn off the radio.
Clear is static, let it go.
Turn off the radio.

anger
blood is flowing
corporate
veins are bleeding
on poor souls
whose lives are drowning
it's alright in the ending

strings play
forming everything
vibrate
through tomorrow
don't turn and look away
tomorrow's not the ending

Turn off the radio.
Clear is static, let it go.
Turn off the radio.

Believe.

I am jumping a bit out of order this evening. By the time this post is published, it will be my father's birthday, so I wanted to put up something a little more optimistic. This was written about four years ago. (Unfortunate that I had to skip a couple years of writing to find something upbeat enough for pop's b-day.) Just a note for those keeping track... some of these lyrics were reworked/reused in a later song. Keep your eyes open.

Anyway, if you're out there reading, Happy Birthday, Dad!

Believe

blinded by the light
these city lamps, they hurt my eyes
and no one's gonna listen
to you anymore

taken by the side
your friends don't recognize your disguise
and you think
you'll take the night off

-
Running
from nothing
tonight, catch up with the leader
by it
beside it
the scene in the rearview retreating
~
So Rise
Tonight Is the Night
The Night to Realize
That Even the Night Can't Hide It From Your Eyes
Believe
To Be Is To Dream
To Be Is To See
Our Boat Floats On Despite the Mystery
~

confused by the scene
when everyone knows their destiny
so why is it better
this way?

sweet uncertainty
is not knowing where you'll be
when this carnival
is over

-
Running
from nothing
tonight, catch up with the leader
by it
beside it
the scene in the rearview retreating
~
So Rise
Tonight Is the Night
The Night to Realize
That Even the Night Can't Hide It From Your Eyes
Believe
To Be Is To Dream
To Be Is To See
Our Boat Floats On Despite the Mystery
~

Close Your Eyes [how we love to fall]

All of these coffee shop songs are kind of dark. This was originally untitled, and then for a while it went by the name Untitled 1. Then I decided to name it based on the lyrics, but couldn't decide between "Close Your Eyes" and "How We Love to Fall." None of them really do it for me... your thoughts?

Not much else to say about this one, but I do have a recording of it that will go up eventually. The more comments I get for this, the faster it will go up...

Close Your Eyes (how we loved to fall)

in nights like these all faces look the same
in nights like these our figures have no names
it's nights like these when we become dreamy violations
that aren't present during the day

[and how we loved to fall]
[like our shadows stretched out on the wall]
[and how we loved to fall]
[after all...]

here they lay again
his words, they tiptoe through the den
here they lay again
he wonders if he'll never see that
place again
the home they left and the life they lead, that
place again
where her words were familiar, they'd friendly
dance and bend
in shapes they'd banter yin and yang, they'd
dance and bend
in a dark that wouldn't hide them.

in nights like these all faces look the same
in nights like these our figures have no names
it's nights like these when we become dreamy violations
that aren't present during the day

[and how we loved to fall]
[like our shadows stretched out on the wall]
[and how we loved to fall]
[after all...]

the days, they end in night...
when the world closes its eyes, it'll set things right
when the day.... ends.... in night
close your eyes, close your eyes, close your eyes
close your eyes, close your eyes, close your eyes

oh, how we loved to fall...... after all.

Panic!

When I was a kid, heading to bed each night I would turn the lights off and run and jump into bed as quickly as I could. Did anyone else do this? I wasn't afraid of monsters under my bed, but I was afraid of something. It was a strange feeling of impending doom, but I couldn't tie it to anything in particular.

During my "blue period," I was brought down by a similar feeling of dread. I wasn't really upset or frightened by anything in particular. It was just kind of always there.

Panic!

no, no, no, no, no, it's never going to happen
it's the reason we leapt into bed in the dark as children

no air
. . no air
. . . no air

steal my inflation, no sense at all
open your eyes in a dark room, feel your way to the middle

no air
. . no air
. . . no air

it's there when you go hungry. there when you don't dream
my motivation, another time... i feel like gravity
and i don't know where i'm going with this...

a grander scheme that can't be seen
i'm taking it all down with me
everytimg we never followed through
i feel like gravity

i'm your breath and your anxiety
i'm everything you've seen
i'm your ego, i'm your id
and everything in between

somewhere between my eyelids and the bed
the fires smell like rain
never thought i'd see so many of myselves
go down the mental drain

when pigs fly, burning swine
you'll feel it every time
beg the air that won't be there
suck in if you dare

NO AIR
. . NO AIR
. . . NO AIR
. . . . NO AIR


And for the record, this was another song written in the coffee shop era.

Like Everyone Else

I believe this is where I began to write in coffee shops - I'm fairly certain I wrote this in one, and although the next handful of songs may go back and forth, this kind of marks the end of my first era of song writing and ushers in the next. Until I get into the full-blown, all coffee shop all the time era, I'll keep you posted. Not to say the next era was any better, but I personally can tell a difference between the songs.

I think I mentioned before that a lot of my songs don't really follow a rhyme scheme. It's more in the music I hear in my head and how the lyrics go along with it... which makes me wonder why I didn't get around to recording more. Looking over this song, it kind of goes in and out of rhyme, and the scheme within the verses doesn't really align throughout the song.

The song is about being depressed. The chemical induced sweat and the happy candy I refer to are antidepressants and antipsychotics. It was tough getting out of bed...

At the end, I've included a segment of a song that was never finished. It was on the same page of my lyric book, although I don't think I intended it to be the same song. It might be a cool refrain or something, it has a little bit of optimism. Oh, and it rhymes!

Like Everyone Else

hot hot heat
chemical induced sweat
the only way to let the anger go
at least the only way i know

come, follow my infinite
knock of the door
the turn of the knob neverending
perhaps (again) i'll turn once more

the faster i fall, the less i feel
...i can't fall much faster.

put on my shoes
head for the door
forget it, i'll sleep a little more
i'll wake up a little less sore

pop happy candy
i'll swallow my smile
start moving when i see the light
the haunting will leave me alone tonight

maybe i feel more like myself than i have in years

the faster i feel, the less i'll fall.
...don't let me fall any faster.

waiting for news of me
four months to life
the sky is ash, the morning
is sarcastic. all will end well.

maybe you're right, i can
see the sun through the trees
despite smoke's still remains
you'll pay for your friends

maybe i feel more like myself than i have in years

the faster i fall, the less i feel
the faster i feel, the less i fall
let me feel, don't let me fall any faster.

~with these truths
~unlocked these chains
~a good nights sleep
~can dream again
~where i live
~a hero's tale
~where the good guy
~never fails
~to solve the mystery
~save the day
~where i am light
~in brilliant rays
~without rest
~ten years too late
~don't wake me up
~i'm sleeping in today

The Crucifiction [sic]

Sorry, leaving this one without commentary. If you really want to know, ask me in person...

The Crucifiction [sic]

Can't remember how this story begins
Where did the parts lose themselves?
Go and find them, Don't take years to do so.

...pictures become dreams
...in turn remember family
...little pieces of the puzzles
...i never wanted to see
...you wasted a child
...while you powdered your nose
...better wash away the sin
...before he's old enough to know

~i see smoke and mirrors~

So I solved the mystery
and ripped apart another me
The paper cutout I'd created wasn't seen.

Throw his arms out wide
Into his windy cross
Let's sit back and see if the wasted child falls.

...pictures become dreams
...in turn remember family
...little pieces of the puzzles
...i never wanted to see
...you wasted a child
...while you powdered your nose
...better wash away the sin
...before he's old enough to know

~i see smoke and mirrors~

So does he fall?
Does the beast come back for more?
I just sit and count the spots before my eyes

They read me my odds
Five to one says he falls
No surprise, my mind's always worked this hard.

...pictures become dreams
...in turn remember family
...little pieces of the puzzles
...i never wanted to see
...you wasted a child
...while you powdered your nose
...better wash away the sin
...before he's old enough to know

~i see smoke and mirrors~

Winston-Salem - lyrics and audio!

So... I'm a late night blogger. When the dust settles on the night and I've got nobody else to talk to, I turn to writing my songs out for the world to see.

This song... pretty literal, nothing special, but it's a special shout out to an old friend. The song title has nothing to do with the song... but I had a friend whose last name would often be improperly pronounced as Winston. Winston-Salem is a semi-metro area in North Carolina, fairly near where I grew up, but the name was more closely tied to the cigarettes that were produced there along tobacco road.

Winston was a good friend and I miss her.

Winston-Salem

i'm staring out at all of you
staring right at me
just stand beside as i'm dying
all eyes on me
its time for me to pass or fail
whatever time may be
i'm crying, or i'm dying
all eyes on me

yesterday i had a dream
or my dreams had me
working a crowded room
part impartially
weeding out those that did
and those that didn't believe
in such trivial things, trivial things, trivial things
as dreams....

i took a little closer look
before sleep slipped from me
there were mocking sighs, fake plastic smiles
but something i'd never seen
a glimmer of hope in just two eyes
all the hope i need.
and they sang to me
i believe in you....

long before these wasted years
in the mind of my child
i held one thought with me
but never paid it any mind.
i held it from your searching eyes
i hope you all don't mind
but now my eyes are open
and i fear i'm blind...

so the frightening light of day
is as bright as my ambition
time for one last push so i gues
that i had better get pushin
push on through these days and nights
until i can dream again
with nothing to hold me
except the dreams of a friend....

she said i believe in you
do you, son, do you
she said i believe in you
and you know that you do too....